


The Red Cardinal

by orangetree



Category: South Park
Genre: Depression, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parent Death, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 18:26:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16624133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangetree/pseuds/orangetree
Summary: Craig had never experience real loss in his young life until his father died unexpectedly. He is not handling the grief very well.





	The Red Cardinal

**Author's Note:**

> This is really sad and I feel badly for that.

Craig still had the last text message he had received from his father saved in his phone. He texted him to tell him he would be home late, he wanted to stay at school and use the music practise room. He received an “Ok son, love you.” He never forgot that, they were good last words. Words you could be proud of. He kept his text in his phone, read it over and over during his funeral. He sat between his sobbing mom and his sniffling sister. His mom kept reaching over squeezing his shoulder. He didn’t have his hat on, his hair combed nice and neat. He didn't look like himself or feel like himself. His father died one quiet cold afternoon, had a heart attack on the kitchen floor. Craig came home from school and found him, he looked like he was taking a nap. Craig could still see him when he closed his eyes.

He stayed home from school for a week. Token Black and Kyle Broflovski took turns bringing him his homework. He didn’t remember doing it, but it was all finished on his desk. He just laid in bed and looked up at the ceiling, the glow in the dark stars he had up there. They were arranged by constellation, Clyde helped him put them up one weekend. He remembered Clyde coming in some days and just laying there bedside him, stroking over his hair and telling him things would be alright. But they weren't. Nothing felt alright, there felt like this piece of his world was torn up. The way life should be had suddenly taken a left turn and he didn’t know how to get back on track. Craig liked order, he liked routines. He liked that he woke up every morning at 5:30 am, took his first shower of the day. He ate breakfast with his entire family. He had been in the same carpool since middle school, Kyle, Stan, his cousin Red and him. His mom drove on Wednesdays. He had been eating lunch with the same kids since the first grade. He had been dating Tweek since the fourth grade. His life had order and it had routine and that's what gave it meaning. Now, everything had changed. He didn’t know what to do and how to feel. He just felt numb.

He went through the motions when he came back to school the next Monday. He got in the backseat of Kyle’s mom’s SUV. Stan and Kyle both squeezed his slight shoulder and told him in hushed tones that if he needed anything, they were here for him. He sat next to Red, who kept trying to comfort him, but he didn’t need that, thank you though for caring though. He just needed to go to his first period, French 3. He needed to conjugate verbs and work on his paper topic. He needed to meet Tweek by his locker, hold hands with him until Tweek walked him to his first class. Tweek grew taller than him, he had his blond hair in a little stubby ponytail and he was wearing an olive green sweater that looked good on him. He was waiting for him by his locker and he leaned up and kissed Tweek’s cheek when he saw him. It was autopilot, they did this every morning. Tweek held his viola for him while he put his french book, work book and binder in his backpack. He deposited his homework and books from last night and his lunch on the top shelf.

“How are you feeling baby?” Tweek looked nervous, he was shaking slightly like he used to when they were kids. He reached out and rubbed Craig’s skinny arms, up and down, soothing. Craig tried to put on his bravest face for him. He didn’t want to tell his boyfriend that he couldn’t feel anything right now. How selfish that would be. How he hadn’t really grieved properly, just knew this hole was in his life now. He was afraid how people would react. People wanted you to grieve in this certain way, the crying and the hushed tones. But he was grieving the only way he knew how. By trying to get back to his routines and his life. He was selfish, this was his fault. That’s all he could think about. He had to use that practise room. He had to go to that stupid National Honor Society fundraising meeting. He was a bad person. He deserved this. He just looked at Tweek and gave him a weak little closed mouth smile.

“Im ok, Im just trying to be strong for my mom and Trish.” He took Tweek’s hand and they walked down the hallway like they did everyday. He gave Jimmy and Butters a little wave as they stood at Jimmy’s locker, trading lunches already. Early start for that. Both of their parents had come over that week with food. Everyone brought food, so much food, his mom wouldn’t have to cook for a month. Nothing tasted right in his mouth, he wasn’t hungry anyways. His stomach was knotty and hard and every time he tried to eat he felt sick. He just felt sick in general. He wished he was home, under the gravity blanket Tweek gave him, it was weighted and helped with anxiety. It was warm and comforting, much like Tweek himself. He missed being in his bed, he missed the quiet of his room, listening to Band of Horses on low, on repeat for days. He felt his eyes were prickling with tears, he couldn’t cry at school, that would be so humiliating. He felt the warm spit feeling in his mouth, he felt like he was going to be sick. This was too soon, it was all too soon, he should be home.

“Can you excuse me for a moment.” He said in his nasal deadpan to Tweek and pushed the door of the boys bathroom open. He shut the stall door and fell to his knees and threw up the oatmeal he forced down at breakfast. He wiped his eyes and tried to will the tears away. He couldn’t cry at school. He gave himself a moment, everything felt too big. It felt like he was the smallest person in the world and everything was tall and imposing and he just felt like he couldn’t do this. He splashed cold water on his face and looked at himself in the mirror. He expected to look like a different person, but he didn’t. Same big brown eyes, same groomed dark eyebrows. His skin was still freckled, his nose was still on the larger side. He still had old fashioned metal braces with rainbow brackets, damn Clyde and his dares. His black hair was still neatly combed down. Nothing looked different, he just felt different. He felt like Craig had died along with his father and he was replaced with a clone. He rinsed his mouth out and searched through his worn down Fjallraven backpack for a breath mint. He made sure he looked like himself when he came out to meet Tweek. His eyes weren’t red, his face wasn’t puffy. Things had to feel normal for him to function through this day.

“Craig, are you sure you don't want me to take you home?” Tweek didn’t reach for his hand this time, he put his arm around his waist. He felt like Tweek was trying to hold him up. He wasn’t that fragile. He just shook his head no and nudged Tweek towards his French class. 

“I can’t miss anymore school, if my grades drop, they’ll kick me out of NHS.” He mumbled. Why did he even care about that? But he did. His dad was so proud when they invited him in, he carried an high GPA, he was being recognised for it. He remembered the look on his dad’s face when they went to the ceremony. Thomas Tucker wasn’t his biological father. He left when Craig was two years old, bruises on his face and his mother’s face. His dad wasn’t a bad man, he was a man with demons. He drank too much and couldn’t stay clean. Thomas came in and took care of Laura, adopted her son who looked nothing like him. He raised Craig as he raised Trisha, they were his children. He loved them so much, they were his world. Now he was gone and Craig had to figure out how to go on without him. 

He really thought things would get better as time went on. But they didn’t. He felt the numbness starting to creep into a new area of his brain. Depression. It had always been hiding there, he was moody and just generally more melancholy than some of his classmates. He wasn’t as melancholy as Stan Marsh, who saw the world as a harsh, bleak sort of place. But he was prone to episodes of sadness that he didn’t truly understand. He felt it washing over him like a gentle cool bath. He had no energy, he didn’t want to eat anything. He had lost a little weight, his body was so tiny now.You could see his ribs, the bones in his back, his jutting collarbones. He hid this under baggy clothing, he wore the same things over and over again. He didn’t care anymore, why bother? Everything was a struggle, maintaining the facade of moving on with his days. Going to school, going to NHS. Coming home and seeing Tweek, Clyde, Token and Jimmy. He tried for them, went to the movies with them. He let Clyde baby him, he was trying so hard to be helpful. Clyde understood loss, he was trying to make life easier for Craig to understand it too. He still went over to Tweek’s on Friday nights, every Friday night, their routine. He would pick out something to watch with him on Netflix. They were in the phase where all they wanted to do was just makeout and dry hump each other for friction. Tweek on top of him, he could feel Tweek’s thigh between his legs. He was trying so hard to maintain that normalcy for him. He pressed his hips against Tweek’s thigh between his legs, sighed Tweek’s name softly. 

They were watching Riverdale, it was their shared trash show. He had missed a month’s worth of episodes and Tweek made sure to DVR them for him. Tweek’s arm was around his shoulder, he was nestled into his side. Tweek handed him a glass of cherry coke and braces friendly snacks. He missed popcorn so badly. 

“Who is your favourite character?” Tweek asked him nuzzling his nose into his cheek, making him actually smile. Tweek was trying so hard for him, he could try too. He could. Nothing had to change even though everything had changed. Everything looked and felt a little off, like a copy that didn’t quite turn out. It was all there, just a little different.

“Cheryl duh. She’s the only person that matters on this trash show.” He looked over at him and smiled a little closed mouth smile. “Who is your favourite character?” He asked him softly, reaching for a chocolate chip cookie and taking a little nibble.

“Jughead duh.” Tweek teased him back. Tweek was more confident now that they were in high school. He was stopped shaking as much, he was still anxious, he just was dealing with it a little better. He performed in school plays and played the drums in the school jazz band with Stan Marsh and Lola Parker. He was taller than Craig, he had a nicer build too. He had good arms from the drums and a nice chest. His arms were sinewy and lightly tanned. He wore a lot of green and he looked good in green. His eyes were green and his nose was slightly crooked from getting bopped in the face with a tetherball in the fifth grade. He smelled like coffee and he was a good boyfriend. But Craig wondered why he didn’t love him yet. They had been dating for six years. Why wasn’t he in love with him? Had he always not been in love with him? Did this all bring something to surface he was trying to hide from himself?

“Hey Tweek, I've been thinking about something.” He looked over at him. He wanted to be close to him. He wanted to love him. He wanted something more. “Do you want to have sex?” He blurted out. They had been saving sex for his birthday. That was their plan. They had already purchased the condoms and the lubricant. They talked about all these things and made a plan. They would have sex on Craig’s birthday and it would be as special as it was in the movies right? Not at all awkward and it probably wouldn’t hurt. They were teenagers, they still saw everything with that rosy tint of innocence and optimism.

“But it's not your birthday.” Tweek looked over at him. His eyes were wide with surprise and Craig didn’t deviate from plans. Once they made a plan, he stuck to it. “It's just a random Friday night, aren’t you worried it won't be special?” He asked him gently. 

“I don't really think we should wait. Like, I mean, we know how we feel, does it need to be an occasion to be special?” He asked him softly. This would bring them close again, it would be like it was. There would be no questions or hidden feelings. Sex would bring them closer together. He needed them to be close, he couldn’t lose another person. He could already feel Token and Jimmy slipping away, everyone was slipping away. He just, needed this to stay the same. Even if he was unsure of his feelings, he needed some normalcy. Tweek was normalcy, he had always been there. 

“No of course not. It will be special because it's us.” Tweek cupped his cheek with his hand and brought his face closer. He kissed him softly and sweetly. He lead Craig upstairs and they laid on Tweek’s bed kissing and he felt Tweek’s hands under his tee shirt. Tweek climbed on top of him and he opened his legs for him. Tweek kissed his throat and his collarbones and left a trail of bruises in his wake. He took off his cardigan and his Joyce Manor shirt and Tweek pulled off his flannel and his Fuck your Family Values shirt, it was his favourite item of clothing that Tweek owned. Tweek unzipped his skinny jeans for him and Craig lifted his bony hips up so he could slip them off. Tweek did everything technically right. He used enough lube, he opened Craig up with his fingers and kissed the nervousness away. He was very gentle and made sure Craig came first. He did everything a good boyfriend does for your first time. When Tweek rolled off of him and gathered him in his arms, he could hear him making sweet promises into his hair. 

“It will be better now, I know it will be.” He told himself. He fell asleep in Tweek’s arms and nestled against his chest. He knew it would be like it was. Nothing had to change, his feelings hadn’t change. This would be as it always was.

When he woke up, he expected to feel differently, but he didn’t. He just felt like he wasted their first time and in the cold light of the morning he knew they had made a mistake. He looked over at the boy he had been dating since the fourth grade. The boy who drew him pictures for Valentine’s day, the boy who gave him Stripe 4 when he was sad, he used his entire allowance for him. The boy he put a white half slip of his mom’s on his head and Tweek wore a top hat out of the dress up box and they got married in the backyard in the fourth grade. The wedding was very tasteful, Tricia officiated and Stripe was the guinea pig of honor. This boy was his first kiss, the first boy he had slowed dance with. The first person he played the viola for. His first everything and he just felt like nothing felt right anymore. 

“Good morning Craig.” Tweek pulled him close and kissed his temple gently. “Are you ok? Are you sore?” He rubbed his shoulder gently and he was sore. But his heart was also sore and that prickling tearing feeling made his eyes sting. Nothing felt right anymore. He pulled the blanket up to his armpits and curled into it. He had to break up with Tweek, he needed time alone, he wanted to process the grief alone. It was better for Tweek if he processed the grief alone, it would be better for everyone if he spent time alone. He needed time to himself, he wasn’t good for any of them. He was too numb and too sad and he couldn’t make that go away. It was everywhere, dulling his world and weighing him down. Tweek deserved more than that. A half person to spend time with.

He woke up one day and knew it was time. He thought breaking up with Tweek would be life shattering, but it wasn’t. It was just another person whose role changed in his life. Tweek took it well enough, he thought he understood Craig needed time. Maybe he felt as he did, they had been going through the motions. He didn’t want to go through the motions anymore, but living was too hard too. He was in some sort of purgatory. He wasn’t living life for the fullest, that was for a romantic comedy. Person loses two people they love, they find some sort of meaning and go out and live the best life they could. He wasn’t doing that. He was just getting through his day. 

On Monday morning Craig went to school like normal. He walked in and went to his locker, but Tweek wasn’t there to walk him to his French class. Everything felt the same, but different. He walked down the hallway and now he was down two people in his life. Classes seem to blur together, lunch blurred together. He felt Clyde nudge him in his skinny ribs, did he want his pear slices? He just pushed them towards him. He came home after school on autopilot, did his homework, picked at his dinner and went to bed. He did this for the rest of the week, days all blended into each other. His friends asked him if he wanted to do anything over the weekend, he did not. His friends did this every week, he always declined. They eventually stopped asking him. It didn't matter anyways, all he wanted to do was come home and curl up under his weighted blanket. All he wanted to do was grieve in his own way, but it was hard. It was hard to admit maybe he wasn’t as well adjusted as he pretended be.

He was sitting on the bench in front of Stark’s pond, smoking a menthol American Spirit. The pond was beautiful, a clear cold day. The snow made everything sparkle and he just sat and took this all in. It was quiet and he was alone. He always felt alone. He felt like he didn’t fit anywhere right now. He didn’t look up when he felt the bench shift, someone else had joined him. 

A blur of green and white out of the corner of his eye. He could smell cheap Axe sort of body spray and the warm hiss of a cigarette being lit. Kenny McCormick looked over at him and smiled his gap toothed smile.

“Can I join you Tucker?” Kenny was friendly and easy going. He was smart and understanding. People liked him, everyone liked him. He had golden blond hair and bright sky blue eyes. He had grown tall and broad and played lacrosse. They were so different now, they had grown in two opposite directions, but he remembered he really liked Kenny when they were kids. They would color together and watch cartoons together. Kenny came to him when he wanted quiet, he let Kenny in when he needed a break from his overbearing friends. They grew apart when they hit middle school, but he still saw him from time to time.

“Sure.” He felt Kenny’s eyes on him and he gave him a weak smile. Kenny moved closer and put an arm around his slight shoulders. He didn't know why he let him but he did. Kenny understood loss. When they were ten years old, he told him about his deaths and he believed him. Why shouldn’t he? South Park was such a weird place, he hated it. He hated all the change and the weirdness. He hated everything about this place and he wished he could escape sometimes. Kenny understood that. He wondered if they would still understand each other.

“Im really sorry about your dad Craig.” Kenny looked over at him. “He was a good man, always nice to Karen and I. Made sure we had food to take home, took us places. Gave Kevin a job, He was really cool.” Craig just looked ahead at the lake. Kenny arm felt warm around his shoulders and he appreciated the quiet as much as he did. They sat there like that for a while and it was the first time Craig’s head didn’t feel like it was swimming. It was quiet, he felt a weird sort of calm wash over him. Kenny wasn’t a close friend anymore, but he was the first person in a long time that made him feel like he could just be. He laid his head on Kenny’s shoulder and closed his eyes for a moment. Just soaking in all that peace and quiet.

Kenny McCormick started showing up in his life after that. He sat at his lunch table in the cafeteria, had he always been there and he never noticed? He walked with him to his AP biology class one day, Kenny had the class next door. He got a ride home with Kenny and Stan Marsh after school. All three of them squished in Kenny’s beat up truck. He was laying in bed one Saturday afternoon, listening to Band of Horses over and over again, on repeat. Sad music for sad boys. He was under his weighted blanket, his hair was greasy, his eyes were red. He cried all morning, he felt like the world was sitting on chest, everything was heavy. But there was this knock at his bedroom door.

“Im not hungry mom, I’ll be down later.” He hid the hitching in his breath, he never cried in front of his mom or sister. They needed him, they needed him to be strong for them. Craig didn’t cry, Craig was on the phone with the cable company when the tv went out, Craig hired someone to shovel their driveway, make dinner when his mom worked late. Still got almost perfect grades, made sure Tricia got home from school and did her homework. Took her to cross country practise and dropped her off at sleepovers. Craig could do it, Craig was strong, so mature for his age. 

“Hey Craig.” He felt someone crawl into bed next to him. He recognised the cologne, the deep voice. Kenny McCormick. Kenny reached over and turned off the record player and just laid next to him in silence.

“What are you doing here?” He asked him curious. He turned to face Kenny and took his hand like they used to do when they were kids. Hold hands when they were scared. He remembered holding hands with Kenny once at a sleepover at Stan Marsh’s house, he hated sleeping at other kids’ houses. Kenny set up his sleeping bag next to his and they ended up zipping them into one big bag and holding hands all night. It was comforting then and it was comforting now.

“I wanted to see you.” That's all Kenny had to say. Craig spent most of his time alone now. Clyde still came by to see him, but he just needed distance from him too. His friends stopped inviting him out to things and he really only saw them at school. Kenny wanted to check up on him, it was nice. He couldn’t explain how it made him feel. He just felt safe, young. Maybe someone actually wanted to take care of him.

He felt Kenny reach out and wipe his tears away and pull him into his arms. He felt self conscious all of a sudden. His hair was greasy, he wasn’t showered. He was wearing a big old holey tee shirt and baggy flannel pants. He had never felt less human than he did in that moment. He went to pull away, but Kenny held on, he clearly didn’t care how he looked or smelled. He just wanted to make him feel better. 

“Can I ask you something?” He looked up at Kenny. He just had to know something. Kenny had died, he had been to heaven and hell. He just wondered where his father was. He had to know.

“Of course.” He felt Kenny’s thick fingers threading through his dark hair. It was relaxing, he felt his entire body just go completely relaxed. He didn't realize how much tension he was holding. He found himself wrapping his skinny arms around Kenny’s middle and squeezing gently. 

“What happens to us after we die? Where do you think my dad is? Do you think he’s at peace?” He looked up at Kenny with his big eyes, his big shining eyes on the brink of tears again. Kenny stroked over his curved doll cheek and looked into his eyes. Craig could tell he was stalling, it must be bad news.

“I've seen the bright lights of heaven and the darkness of hell. But I can assure you this. Your dad was a good man and he loved you. He did good in this world. Wherever he is, he’s at peace. I promise you.” Kenny lied. He knew that only babies and Mormons go to heaven. Thomas Tucker was neither, but he wasn’t telling his grieving son that. He wanted Craig to be able to sleep tonight, to move past this. 

Craig had been so distant from everyone in his life. He broken up with his boyfriend, he didn’t know how to connect with his friends right now. He had to be strong for his sister and his mother, but he still felt distant from them. He craved someone to take care of him. Kenny was holding him and stroking his hair. His kind words and his presence. He closed his dark eyes and he pressed his mouth to Kenny’s. It was impulsive, he had just broken up with Tweek weeks ago. He didn't know if it was right, but he needed someone to be close to him right now.

Kenny kissed him back gently, like he was trying not to spook him. Treat him like a baby deer, approach with caution. He felt Craig part his lips to deepen their kiss, his hands on Kenny’s broad shoulders. He rolled on top of him, if this is what Craig needed, he could do this. Kenny’s warm weight on his skinny frame felt good, it felt safe. He shifted so Kenny was laying between his legs, pressing his skinny body to his. He rolled his bony hips against his, he was out of his head. He wasn’t thinking of his dad or Tweek or anything else. He was just in this moment with Kenny McCormick. He felt Kenny’s big hands on him, going up his shirt, over his back and his ribs. He lifted his arms up so Kenny could remove his shirt. Kenny kissed down his throat, leaving bruises in his wake to his collarbone, which he bit down on causing Craig to cry out. He lifted his hips up so Kenny would pull off his baggy pajama pants.

“Just fuck me ok?” He asked Kenny breathless. Don't think, don’t dwell on things. Just feel. Kenny’s hands on his hips, Kenny’s mouth on his throat. Kenny pressing him into his mattress. Kenny knew what he needed, he just needed to not think in that moment. Just be in the moment. Kenny was good at that, better than he was. He was always in his head, he always had been. He thought too much, he was too analytical. Always weigh the options, always find the best outcome. Never be impulsive. 

“Are you sure? You just ended things with Tweek.” Kenny looked down at him with his sky blue eyes. He had to be make sure, he didn't want Craig to regret this. He already had so much on his plate. He couldn’t add to it.

“Im sure, please Kenny.” He reached up and put his hand on Kenny’s jawline. He pulled him back down into a kiss and blindly passed Kenny the lube that Tweek and him had bought to use on his birthday. So there that was, completely classy Craig Tucker. He pulled off Kenny’s Neck Deep t shirt and reached for his zipper of his jeans. Don’t think, just be. Kenny used a good amount of lube, his fingers and sweet words of encouragement to open him up and soothe down the nervousness. He hadn't been with anyone since Tweek, the one time they had ever done this. He was inexperienced and a little scared and he was trying not to think of anything other than being in this moment.

Kenny was bigger than Tweek, he was more experienced too. It lasted longer and he wasn’t thinking of anything. It was good, like Kenny could read his body, he knew exactly what he needed. Craig threw his head back against the pillow and came a whimper of Kenny’s name. He felt Kenny’s hips thrust three more times and then he came with a groan. They had done that and for that moment nothing else existed but the two of them in his full sized bed. The blue star printed sheets on his bed and his weighted blanket. The world narrowed down to these things and it was everything he wanted.

Kenny rolled off of him and gathered him in his arms. He kissed his cheeks and his forehead and allowed Craig to just melt into him. He finally slept, he slept so good. A deep, restful peaceful sleep. He woke up feeling warm and safe and Kenny was still there. He was spooning him from behind and had his face nuzzled between his shoulder blades. 

“Wake up.” He gently turned in Kenny’s arms and rested his forehead against his. “Come take a shower with me.” He reached over and traced over Kenny’s brow with his slim finger. Kenny picked him up bridal style and carried him to the bathroom his dad added onto his room. He felt he was outnumbered by all these girls and gave him his own space. It was blue and he kept it immaculately clean. He was so proud of having his own bathroom for some reason. He remembered his dad and Mr. Marsh putting it together. One of Mr. Marsh’s many, many phases. The home improvement phase which in the end, benefited him. 

Kenny’s hands were washing his back and he felt him press a kiss to the knob at the top of his spine. It wasn’t sexual, it was nice to have someone just take care of him. “You’ve gotten really thin Craig.” He felt his hands on the little divots of his spine, resting on the small of his back.

“I know, I’m just, I'm not hungry.” He trailed off. He knew what he looked like now, he didn’t feel like himself. Kenny didn’t press it any further, just reached around him and turned the shower off. He wrapped him in a big blue towel. He looked in the mirror and sighed softly. He brushed his teeth and combed his wet hair. He lead Kenny back into the bedroom and pulled on a pair of navy blue boxer briefs. No need to be shy now, Kenny had already seen everything. He was pulling on a clean pair of pajama pants, when he felt Kenny flop down on his bed. He clearly wasn’t going anywhere after this. That was fine, maybe it was exactly what he wanted. Just someone to be there with him. Someone who wasn’t going to force him to talk or try to tell him how fine everything would be. 

“Here, just put these on.” He shoved a pair of baggy joggers at him. They weren’t his, they might have been Clyde’s or Token’s. They were a little short on him, but they worked otherwise. Craig hunted down an old t shirt of Tweek’s he had left over there. It was a little snug, but it worked as well. He pulled one of Clyde’s old football hoodies on and curled up next to Kenny again. They laid there in comfortable silence, Craig wasn’t ready to have another conversation yet. He liked the quietness that wrapped around them. He looked up at the window and watched the rain beat down. He closed his eyes for a moment and pulled Kenny’s arms around his waist a little tighter. 

As time went on, he found himself gravitating towards spending time with Kenny. He liked how they could be quiet together. Or he could talk to him about the things he couldn’t tell Clyde or anyone else. How he still felt so numb. How all he wanted to do was lay in bed under his blanket and just stare out the window. How there was this slight comfort in his sadness. How he wrapped himself up in it. He remembered that stupid show about puberty he watched with Clyde, the animated one on Netflix. Depression was like laying on your side on a rainy afternoon. You’re wearing double socks and you’re facing away from a Friends marathon on tv. That’s how they described it. The sound of The Office was muffled and it was the noise that comforted him. All he wanted to do was come home and curl up in his bed and lay there. All he wanted was the comfort of being sad right now. The depression holding him down, he wasn’t ready to fight yet. Just lay down, listening to The Office and closing his eyes. The comfort of being alone, of being sad, of being in the dark. Just a little bit longer.

He stood in front of his locker before first hour and stared into the contents. He needed his French book, his work book and his binder. He knew that's what he needed but he still just stood for a moment. He needed to study for a french test, pick Trish up from cross country. Start dinner, practise his viola. He had so much to do, he had no motivation to do it. He reached for his French book and started his day. Classes all blurred together, French into algebra 2, AP bio into AP English 10. They were reading As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner, it all blurred together too. His stream of conscious way of writing felt like the words bouncing around on the page. He couldn’t remember what he read last, just the words jumping around like it was nothing.

“Start thinking about your papers class.” Ms Davidson was everyone’s favourite teacher. She had long dark hair and light blue eyes. She looked like a young witch, most of the boys had crushes on her. Craig found her tolerable at best.

A paper. He already had one due in AP US history and a science project to work on. His grades were starting to slip a little. The teachers would come up to him and squeeze his shoulders and tell him if he needed anything, just ask. He didn’t know what he needed anymore. 

“Can you come over after school?” He looked up at Kenny as they shared a menthol cigarette at lunch. He tossed his brown paper bag lunch in the trash and just came outside, bundled in his wool toggle coat and yellow plaid scarf. He still wore his blue chullo hat, he never quite grew out of that. 

“I have to work, Im sorry babe.” Kenny had long given up City Wok for the pretzel stand in the mall. He got two free pretzels per shift and a mall worker discount at most of the shops there. He gave Craig one of his free pretzels sometimes when he would come up to visit. 

“Can I come up and see you?” He nudged at his bookbag with the toe of his worn out Vans. He was becoming too dependent on Kenny for a distraction. He was becoming too dependent on Kenny for many things. Kenny was the only thing that made him feel like a person half the time. When they fucked hard and fast in his bed or drove around in Kenny’s beat up truck. Kenny’s arm around him, Kenny sharing a vape pen of candy flavoured weed with him. The smoke curled up earthy and sweet. It was so hard sometimes to see tomorrow past today, Kenny made those days seem short and manageable. Kenny made so many things manageable and tolerable. He wanted Kenny around all the time now, he was becoming that person. 

“You have a lot of homework to do, I can see you tomorrow.” Kenny pushed some of his black hair behind his ear. Craig had big ears that were slightly pointed like an elf. He adjusted his hat on his head and brushed the hair out of his eyes. “This will be good, just work on your homework, have a nice night in.” He was too afraid to tell Kenny that when he had “a nice night in,” he always ended up falling asleep at 6:30 and locking himself in his room. He felt his hands shake at the thought of being alone tonight. Kenny was his distraction from everything, he needed Kenny’s warm weight next to him. The depression washed over him like a cool bath, something to fall under. Kenny was that thing that he clung to, he was this life jacket. He couldn’t shake that. 

“Fine.” He tossed the cigarette butt at Kenny’s worn down boots and grabbed his backpack. He went inside and looked around the crowded hallway. He saw Tweek standing by his locker, going through his folders. Tweek’s locker was organized and when he peeked around him, he saw he still had pictures of them two of them together taped on the inside of the door. Tweek still cared about him, even though he had been a shitty boyfriend to him in the last few weeks before they broke up. He reached up and tapped him on the shoulder. He jumped and shrieked, he was never good at being sneaked up on. Craig on the other hand was good at sneaking up on people, they had a terrible system that way. 

“Hey Tweek.” He pulled his coat tighter around himself. “Do you want to come over after school today?” He knew it was wrong as soon as it came out of his mouth. He knew this was all wrong, but it was his mistake to make. Craig wasn’t a cruel person, but cruelty was coming so easily in that moment. Once it was in your sight, it was easier to just reach out and grasp it. 

“Hey Craig.” Tweek caught his breath and tossed his Spanish book back in his locker. “Nngh, of course.” He tried to push down a shudder, but failed. Craig pretended not to see it, that was the polite thing to do. Tweek walked him to his next class, just like he used to. He told him he would see him after school just like he used to. He should have been thinking about his paper topic for English. He should have been thinking about studying for his French test. Making sure Tricia got home from cross country practise. He was selfish and he wasn’t thinking about anyone but himself. 

The Tucker house had grown even quieter. It was dim from the curtains all drawn, his mom worked all day as a nurse and then would check in on his father’s auto body shop. His uncle Skeeter took it over and his son ran it. They still gave Laura half the profits, as stipulated in Thomas’ will. His mom got home later now, usually went right to bed. Craig made sure the house was clean, dinner was made. Tricia’s homework was done, his was done. He still practised his viola for an hour a day at least. It was so hard to be motivated to do all these things when all he wanted to do was lay in his bed and listen to music. Turn off his brain and go on autopilot. It had become harder and harder to stick to this system. Somedays, the home went unfinished. Maybe he didn't practise his viola that day and Tricia and him ate cereal for dinner. Maybe those days they didn’t do the laundry or load the dishwasher. Little things that slipped past him. 

Tweek came in and took his shoes off as was the Tucker home custom. He put his jacket and backpack in the mudroom, as was Tucker house rules. Tweek was good like that, he actually followed the Tucker house rules. Craig took his hand and lead him up to his room. Tweek sat on the bed like he used to. This would be where they listened to the record player and talked about their day or cuddled chastely on the bed. Maybe made out if they were feeling particularly daring. Mostly they did homework and just enjoyed their time together. That seemed like a lifetime ago.

He straddled Tweek’s lap and kissed him like he was dying. He felt Tweek’s hands on hips, pulling him closer. He was unbuttoning Tweek’s flannel shirt and put his hands on his chest. Tweek pulled off his sweater and tossed it behind him. This was moving so fast, it was different from their first time. All nerves and shaking hands. It was frantic and needy, he needed Tweek to fuck the sadness out of him. He needed him to make him forget. Just like Kenny would if he were here. Kenny was the rock, Kenny was the anchor. He was floating in gray cold water without Kenny. 

Kenny wasn’t here was he? He was at work and he wouldn’t let him visit. Tweek was here, he was here for him and he had to reward that. This would get him out of his head, this would help him stop overthinking or stop feeling. He had so many responsibilities, he had so much to do. Keep his grades up, make his sister comfortable. Tweek was here and he was a distraction. He slid off Tweek’s lap and onto his knees. He opened Tweek’s fly like it was the most important thing at this moment in time. He dropped his head between Tweek’s legs like he was praying. Tweek was warm and heavy against his tongue and he tasted like salt and skin and boy. He tapped him on his shoulder before he came and Craig shoved the bottle of lube in his hand.

“Just fuck me ok? It will be ok, just this once.” He begged Tweek like he had the thing he needed the most and he did at this moment in time. It was deja vu, he said that to Kenny too a few weeks ago. He wanted the same thing, he was predictable. Craig Tucker needed to be fucked to feel human, to forget that he was a shit person who let his dad die. That broke his boyfriend’s heart, that started sleeping with someone else not even a month later. But Tweek kissed him like he was a precious thing, he laid him down like he was a precious thing. He fucked him like he was a precious thing. When it was all over and he laid there, he knew this was wrong. He looked up at the ceiling and the glow in the dark stars were starting to twinkle, it should have been comforting, but it wasn’t. They dressed in silence and Tweek leaned over and kissed his shoulder. Tweek still thought he was a precious thing that needed to be cherished and protected and loved. He wasn’t tarnished in Tweek’s eyes yet, he didn’t know this Craig Tucker. He only knew the Craig that held his hand and ate the cupcakes he made for him. That watched space documentaries with him and kissed him so sweetly good night when Tweek walked him home. He didn’t know this slutty, shitty depressed mess of a person. This human garbage person who didn’t deserve sweet shoulder kisses or be fucked like a precious thing. He wasn’t a precious thing anymore.

“We’re not back together.” Craig told him quietly. He looked over at Tweek and he pretended he didn’t see the flicker of hurt on his face. He had to know what this was right? It was sex, that was all. Tweek was the distraction. Tweek distracted him from all the things that were too loud in his head. He needed quiet, Tweek provided that. Tweek still gave him what he needed when all he gave him in return was heartbreak. 

“Do you want me to drive you to go pick up your sister?” Tweek asked him softly. His voice just shook a little and Craig pretended he didn’t hear that either. He looked down at his hands and felt the tears stinging his eyes. He was such a fucking asshole. He knew this and Tweek was still trying to be his friend. Why was he doing this? Why did he even care? They had all started drifting away except for Clyde, who was so damn stubborn and wouldn’t detach from him and Tweek, who he just used for sex. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. 

“Thank you.” He pulled on his toggle coat and his blue chullo hat. He felt Tweek’s hand on his back as they went down the stairs. He drove him to the middle school and they picked up Tricia, he drove them back home and helped Craig start some dinner. Tweek’s hands didn’t shake as he stirred the mac and cheese or helped Craig cut up the vegetables for the salad. He was confident in the kitchen and Craig looked over at him and gave him a little closed mouth smile. He was a better friend than he deserved. When he was leaving, Craig walked him to the door and hugged him tightly.

“I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” Tweek pushed his black hair behind his ears. “I’ll pick you up in the morning if you want?” He just shook his head yes and gave Tweek a little closed mouth smile. 

Kenny leaned against his locker the next morning and put his fingers on one of the bruises Tweek left on his throat.

“I was gone one night and this happened?” His voice was even, but he knew he was hurt. Kenny wasn’t his boyfriend. He was his friend and he didn’t owe anyone anything. So he could just fuck off with this guilt trip.

“You're not my boyfriend, I can do what I want.” He slammed his locker shut and Kenny jumped a little at the rattled sound. “If you can’t give me what I need I can find someone who can.” He crossed his skinny arms over his chest and turned to face him. He knew he was lashing out because he was guilty. He felt guilty about sleeping with someone else while he was sleeping with Kenny. He felt guilty he was sleeping with Kenny just weeks after breaking things off with Tweek. He felt guilty he used Tweek as a distraction from his grief. He felt guilty he made Kenny’s face look like that. He felt guilty he wasn’t home to call someone to help his father. He felt guilty he pushed Jimmy and Token away like they didn’t matter. He felt guilty he wasn't being a good friend to Clyde, who wanted nothing more than to be there for him. He felt guilty he broke Tweek’s heart and continued to break it even after the fact. He felt guilty about so many things, he couldn’t keep them all straight anymore.

“Craig.” He started but he never finished that thought. Craig stormed off, seemingly for no reason at all. He didn't finish his homework last night, he didn’t study for his French test. He knew he was going to fail his test. Did this even matter? Did anything matter? He would ask himself this question over and over. Everything felt too big and too vast, like looking up at the night sky and wondering what else was out there. But it didn’t give him a warm, excited feeling. He felt like he was drowning in something. Grief, guilt, depression, emptiness. His dad would be so ashamed of him if he could see him now. Blowing off school, breaking up with Tweek and then turning back around and using him. Stringing along Kenny. He hated this person he had became, but he couldn’t shake himself out of it. It just festered there like a box he wasn’t ready to open yet. All he could think about was how he deserved all this. This was his karma for being a selfish bratty child who had to stay after and use the practise room after school. He had to have no distractions, chair auditions were coming up, everyone wanted to distract him, how dare they want his time. Now all he had for all this was a dead father and a guilty conscience. 

His mother reached over and took his hand in hers as the principal talked about his grades. They weren’t low enough to ask him to leave Nation Honor Society yet, but he was getting in a dangerous zone. 

“Craig has gone from almost a 5 point grade average to hovering around high 3 point. Even with the allowances we’ve been making for him due to family circumstances, we’re getting worried about his performance.” PC Principal followed them from elementary school to high school and he was as intrusive as ever. “We’re suggesting maybe he would benefit from some counseling with Mr. Mackey.” Craig tried not to openly roll his eyes. He didn’t need a counselor. He needed everyone to get off his back for five fucking seconds. Everyone wanted something from him, he just wanted to be left alone. Let him grieve, let him drown in depression. He deserved all this, why were these people constantly trying to help him? He didn't ask for help, stop it.

“Craig, have you been doing your homework?” His mom asked him softly. She looked so tired. He was making things harder for her. He just looked down at his hands and shook his head no. He killed his father with his selfish needs. He drove Kenny away. He broke Tweek’s heart. Now he was causing his mother more worry. He deserved everything horrible that happened to him. The guilt was worse than the grief, he was becoming a masochist for it, he wanted the pain.

“I’ll try harder I promise.” He looked at her and PC principal, they both looked so disappointed in him. He wished the floor would open up and swallow him. Sometimes he wondered if she would be better off without him. 

Craig sat at his desk in his bedroom and worked on his english paper. His mind wasn’t there and it felt like pulling teeth. He stared at the computer screen, willing the inspiration to come. He usually loved his English class, he loved everything they had read that year. He loved the Glass Menagerie the most. He understood Laura and why she hid in fantasy and silly objects. The book inspired something in him, it made him feel something. He wanted to read it again, read it over and over until he had it memorized. He liked Tennessee Williams in general though, he captured loneliness well. It was starting to become a feeling he understood as well. He felt restless and lonely tonight. 

He heard tapping at his window and when he went to open it, he saw Kenny there.

“Are you insane? You could have fallen and broken your neck.” He moved aside so Kenny could come in. He didn’t wear his orange parka anymore. He wore a green and white varsity jacket, he lettered in lacrosse and he looked very good playing it. He sat on the bed next to Kenny and allowed himself to pulled into a hug.

“Are you still mad at me?” He asked Kenny, tucked under his chin, in his lap like a child. He looked up at him, Kenny was unshaven, he had patchy stubble and it was barely visible unless you were close enough to him. He ran his finger over his jawline, he liked the roughness under his fingertips.

“No, I wasn’t mad, I was hurt. I don't own you, but there's part of me that doesn't want you to be with other guys.” He admitted. It was hard to admit things to someone who wasn’t as emotionally open as they could be. Craig didn’t show emotions like other people did, Kenny never felt like he could read him right.

“I don't know why I did it. It was a stupid mistake and I've fucked up everything.” He admitted. He buried his face in Kenny’s chest, he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. They dampened the front of Kenny’s coat and left a wet patch. He could feel Kenny stroking over his hair, calming him down. He was too wound up lately, he needed something to help him deal with all these emotions had been feeling. “I don't know why I keep doing this.” He admitted to him between sobs. He was sobbing like a child, all heaving chest and no concern at all how he looked. Red faced and gasping breath. Kenny just held him while he cried. There was this part of him that just wanted to be wanted. He knew he was useless lately, but he could fuck like a dream. He was good at that, being someone’s body to bang. It just gave him this little burst of confidence he had lost along the way.

“I think maybe you need to talk to someone.” Kenny murmured into his sweet smelling herby scented hair. “Just an outlet that’s not destructive.” He held him in his lap. It was so comforting, he felt like a kid again. Like he didn't have all these worries and these cares. He was just Craig Tucker, sitting on his friend’s lap, being held. 

“Can you stay tonight? Please.” He looked up Kenny with those fucking eyes. Those huge brown eyes with long dark lashes. His eyes were so big and so sad. He could read everything about Craig Tucker in those eyes. He had never seen such mournful eyes. 

“I will.” He curled up with Craig under that weighted blanket he loved so much. It was comforting like a hug and he held Craig in his arms. Kenny had seen so many things in his sixteen years on this planet. He had been to hell, he had been to heaven. He had seen things he couldn’t explain and he knew what it was like to experience the worst of humanity. Just soul crushing loss and feeling like you don't belong. They were two misfits hurling towards something. This vastness of the universe bringing them back together in the worst moment of Craig Tucker’s young life. As experienced as Kenny McCormick was in sadness, he knew Craig needed something more than him. He needed someone to find an outlet for this grief in.

Craig sat on the bench in front of Stark’s pond smoking a menthol American Spirit cigarette. It was a cold January day and he watched the smoke curl towards the sky as he exhaled. He was bundled up in his navy blue toggle wool coat, his blue chullo hat and his yellow plaid scarf. It could have been any other day, it could have been a day before all this happened. But here he was, just watched the blue sparkling frozen pond. It was quiet and he liked quiet. He was alone, he didn't know if he liked that anymore. He wanted nothing more than for everyone to leave him alone when this all started. In the beginning of his grief, he wanted to be left to his own devices. Now he was here and being alone was hard. His mind felt cloudy with sadness and guilt. But here he was, watching the frozen pond, all alone on the bench in front of Stark’s pond. He looked up at the sky, was his dad watching him now? Wondering what happened to his quiet, responsible son? The one who did all his weekend homework friday night. Who got perfect grades and played the viola. Who made out chastely with the boyfriend he had since the fourth grade. Not the one who didn’t know anything anymore. Who just needed an outlet for the pain he felt he caused.

“Can you give me some sort of sign you’re looking out for me.” He whispered to the sky. “I need to know you’re there and you’re at peace. That you’re not in pain because I was too selfish to come right home from school. Please dad tell me what to do. Im so lost without you.” He felt hot tears roll down cold freckled cheeks. Everything had been so hard. Getting up in the morning was hard and going to school was hard. Sitting here crying in public was hard. He was talking to the sky and he heard nothing in return. All he heard was the wind between the tree branches, maybe that was his sign. Maybe he was just looking too hard now. 

As he walked home, pulling on the yellow mittens Tweek gave him last year because he didn't want his hands to be cold, he looked at all the familiar shops and houses. He could point out the Donovan’s old house, Clyde’s dad selling it after his wife died. Tweak bros coffee house, how many hours he spent in a booth there, drinking hot chocolate and studying with Tweek. The Broflovski's where he played xbox with Kyle or worked on school projects together. It was so familiar, it should have been comforting, but it was just this reminder of everything before. His dad picking him up from Tweek’s, trying to be so supportive of that whole thing. He tried so hard. His dad taking him to the music shop to pick out his viola, finally getting his own instead of borrowing one from the school. He was so excited. He played it all night. By the time he got home, it was late, just getting dark. He went up to his room and left his unfinished homework on his desk. That wasn’t happening tonight. He curled up in his bed and he couldn’t sleep. His mind wouldn’t let him rest. It was a Saturday night. 

He ended up at a party being thrown by some senior he didn’t know. Cars all parked on lawns, loud music coming from some senior’s house. College kids were there too, he didn’t really recognise anyone. He was surprised when they even let him in. He drank too much far too quickly, but his brain wasn’t as loud at least. He sat in the lap of some college boy and listened to him try and sweet talk him. He didn’t need to be sweet talked, he knew he was a sure thing. He belonged to no one and he didn’t care about that. He remembered crying in Kenny’s lap a few nights ago, but he wasn’t here now was he? He was alone. He was always alone. He looked at this dude’s standard brown hair and his University of Colorado Denver sweatshirt. He kept asking him how old he was. Was he legal? It didn’t seem like he cared either way. He didn’t see the need to lie.

His hand was firm on his skinny waist as he hoisted him off his lap, leading him towards a random bedroom. He heard his name in the distance. It all felt distant, he felt like he was underwater. Nothing felt real. Nothing felt real this entire day, it was a dream he couldn’t wake up from.

“Craig? What are you doing here?” Kevin McCormick was standing with Shelly Marsh. Kevin worked for his dad and he loved him almost as much as Craig did. He still worked there, that was in his dad’s will. Kevin came with the shop, he was his lead mechanic. She didn’t have braces anymore and her white lace blouse looked pretty on her. Kevin looked different out of a work coverall, he was broader and taller and more human. 

“Oh hey.” He greeted him slurring his words. “What are you doing here?” He parroted back to him. Kevin handed his beer to Shelly and gently detached Craig from the man currently leading him to a bedroom to make a mistake.

“He’s fifteen bro.” He waved the man away and lead Craig to the couch. He heard Kevin talking on his phone. Kenny came up there with Stan Marsh. He felt Kenny’s hands on his back, leading him to his beat up truck. Stan thanking Kevin and his sister for calling them. Kenny’s varsity jacket was over his shoulders, Kenny was gently leading him arms through the sleeves. 

“You need to sleep this off.” Kenny sounded like he was underwater too. Stan was driving, he was a good driver. Kenny put him in the middle and he felt so fucking ashamed. He was literally making the same mistake again and here came Kenny to clean up his mess. He looked over at him and Kenny was looking out the window. His hoodie did not seem warm enough to be without a coat. He looked down at his hands covered in Kenny’s jacket sleeves. He reached over and put his hand in Kenny’s and he felt him squeeze it.

“Here you go.” Stan let them both out and told Kenny he would swing by tomorrow to bring him the truck back. Stan still lived out at the farm and sometimes Craig liked to go out there to visit. It was quiet and they had animals. It was nice, he liked Stan Marsh a lot better now that they were in high school. 

“Are you upset?” He asked Kenny in this small voice he didn’t recognise. They literally just had this discussion a few days ago. Maybe he was just a slut. Maybe that’s what his true form was. Without Tweek to anchor him, he was just a fucking mess. 

“A little. We just had this discussion.” He looked over at him. Kenny’s voice was even, but Craig knew better. He looked down at his hands, he was still wearing Kenny’s jacket, he didn’t want to take it off for some reason. He was afraid Kenny would come to his senses, he would cut this all off and find someone less damaged to hang out with. He deserved that too.

“Im sorry.” His voice cracked a little and tears were prickling the corners of his eyes. He was too drunk to think completely rationally right now. He just felt too emotional and a little sick. The room was spinning and not in a good way. He laid on his side away from Kenny and he felt he sink down next to him. They slept facing away from each other that night and when he woke up full clothed, still wearing Kenny’s varsity jacket, he reached over and touched Kenny’s broad shoulder gently. 

“Good morning.” Kenny rubbed his blue eyes and reached over and touched his hair. “How do you feel this morning?” His voice was morning rough and Craig felt it everywhere. Warming his core and tingling through his limbs. His head pounded and his mouth felt dry. He was hungover, he had never been hungover before. That was the first time he had drank like that.

“A little foggy.” He settled on. He didn't know why he didn't tell him the truth, but he couldn’t. He burrowed into Kenny’s jacket a little deeper. It smelled like him and it was warmer than anything he had ever felt. Or maybe that’s what he wanted to believe. Kenny didn’t leave him, he brought him a cup of tea and some aspirin and a bottle of water. He laid there with him as he slept on and off through the day. They watched some cartoon on netflix about a girl who moved to the city from her cabin in the woods. It was gentle and pretty and the palette soothed him. It was a good day after a bad one and maybe this meant good days ahead. Not that he was an optimistic person, but sometimes you just want to believe.

His mom squeezed his shoulder as she drove him to his first counseling session. It was time to try. He wanted to try this time. He needed someone to talk to that wasn’t Kenny. It was a little awkward at first, he didn’t know how to open up like everyone else. It was stilted conversation on his end. As his time was up, he felt better though, he finally vocalised his grief to someone. It just made him feel like he wasn’t alone.

He was sitting on the bench in front of Stark’s pond with Kenny. They were all bundled in their winter clothing and passing a menthol American Spirit back and forth. It was quiet, one of those quiet moments he alternated between loving and hating. He had some good days, days where he could wake up and go to school. Do his homework, practise his viola. Watch a movie with Kenny, curled up against his side. There were some bad days, where he had a hard time getting up and all he wanted to do was lay in bed and listen to sad music and be alone. But the good days were starting to outnumber the bad ones and in his current state, that’s all he could ask for. He laid his head on Kenny’s shoulder and felt him put his arm around him.

He started at the cold white beauty that was South Park in March he saw something in the tree. A splotch of bright red, standing out among the white. A bright red cardinal. He remembered his grandmother used to tell him that cardinals were the spirits of our loved ones who came back to see us. His eyes were locked on that cardinal and he felt something in his chest. Maybe this was his sign. Last time he was out here, he asked for a sign, anything that his father was watching out for him. Here it was, right in front of him. 

“Look at that.” He leaned in and whispered right in Kenny’s ear. His warm breath tickling his cold ear lobe. “They say cardinals are the spirits of our dead loved ones coming back to see us on earth.” He wrapped his skinny arm around Kenny’s and looked up at him. He knew it was probably bullshit. But maybe just this once, he was willing to believe the unfounded. Craig was logical and analytical and if science couldn’t prove it, then it didn’t exist to him. 

“Your dad is looking out for you babe.” He kissed Craig’s cheek. They both watched that beautiful red cardinal for a moment and when it flew away, Craig felt at peace for a moment. It was everything he wanted. A sign that his father was out there, he was at peace and he was still watching out for him. It wasn’t perfect and it probably bullshit, but it would get him by.

His days weren’t perfect, he still struggled, but that one tiny sign meant everything to him. He felt like he had a purpose. He could beat this heavy feeling in his chest. He could do this, make his father proud. He put his hand in Kenny’s and squeezed it gently. He had someone at his side who believed in him. It wasn’t perfect, it wouldn’t disappear overnight. But for now, it would be just enough.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is really sad and I feel badly about that.


End file.
